Paws University

Blog

  • Statement on the Return of the Clocktower Bell

    The University is pleased to confirm that the brass bell missing since July has been found. It was discovered on Friday evening inside the Porter’s lodge, wedged in the bottom drawer of a filing cabinet along with a quantity of socks, a pencil and the Chancellor’s second best hat.

    No individual has been named. The review panel has concluded that the bell was moved by a person or persons unknown who may have been trying to help. The bell will be returned to its hook with a safety wire and a small sign reading Please Do Not.

    The Chancellor has thanked the Porter for his diligence. The Porter has asked not to be thanked.

  • Open Day Preview: What Prospective Students Can Expect

    The University will hold its autumn Open Day next Saturday between 10 and 4. Prospective students and their families are invited to tour the campus, meet the staff and sample the catering.

    Highlights include a demonstration of the Sudden Sprint, a lecture on Shadows by Professor Tibbles and a chance to sit in the Chancellor’s chair, which will be warmed in advance. Departments will offer taster sessions in Sleep Studies, Knocking Things Over and Staring.

    Parents are reminded that the University does not guarantee a place, a bed or a particular outcome, only a lifelong appreciation of the afternoon.

  • Budget Notice: Heating Contract Renewed for the Third Floor Radiators

    The Estates Office has renewed the heating contract for the third floor radiators of the Old Library at a cost of $18,250 a year. The renewal follows a campaign by students who submitted 940 requests, all of which consisted of lying on the radiator and looking at the Bursar.

    The contract provides for a minimum surface temperature of 31 degrees between 7 in the morning and 11 at night. A fault line has been set up and will be answered by the Porter, who is on the third floor, on the radiator.

    The Bursar has described the outcome as a reasonable compromise between the needs of the students and the wishes of the students.

  • Honorary Degree Awarded to the Neighbour’s Fish Pond

    At a special ceremony on Tuesday, the University conferred an honorary Doctorate of Letters on the neighbour’s fish pond, in recognition of its long and distinguished service to the study of looking at fish.

    The pond, which is 12 feet across and contains 31 koi, was represented by its owner, Mr. Alistair Penhaligon, who accepted the scroll on its behalf. Several students sat on the wall for the occasion and observed the water in respectful silence.

    The citation notes that the pond has never been read, never been shut down and never once attempted to leave. The Chancellor described it as an example to us all.

  • Dean Issues Guidance on Examination Conduct

    Dean of Students Barnaby Whisk has issued guidance for the coming examination period. Candidates must not sit on the paper, walk across the paper, or knock the paper off the desk in the first ten minutes.

    A candidate who has completed their paper may signal this by turning around three times and lying down on it. Invigilators will then collect the paper, politely, once the candidate has gone.

    The Dean reminded students that the use of the cat flap to leave the examination hall is permitted, but that use of the cat flap to leave the examination hall and return later with an answer is not. Marks will be released after the Dean has had a nap.

  • Library Fines Waived for Books Still Under the Sofa

    The Library has announced an amnesty on overdue books that are discovered to be under a sofa. The amnesty, which runs until 31 October, applies to any volume that has been out for fewer than nine years and that is returned in a recognisable condition.

    Head Librarian Cornelius Crumpet said that he hoped the move would restore a sense of trust between the Library and its readers. In the past term the Library has recorded 622 overdue books, with the oldest, a volume on Mice of the Northern Isles, now 31 years late.

    Returned books will be checked for fur, chew marks and any unexplained pages that appear to have been sat upon in a hurry.

  • Autumn Term Begins: A Message From the Vice Chancellor

    Vice Chancellor Sir Percival Dander writes: welcome to the autumn term. It has been a summer of renewal and reflection, and of lying very still. I am delighted to see our corridors once again filled with the soft tread of students, and the distant, comforting sound of something being knocked over.

    This term the University will focus on three goals: a better understanding of the vertical axis, a greater commitment to window ledges, and a careful review of the policy on bringing in birds.

    I wish you all a productive and restful term. I will be available for consultation on Tuesdays between 11 and 11:20, if I am awake, and if you can find me.

  • Sports Round Up: The Paws Pounce Take the Inter College Cup

    The Paws Pounce won the Inter College Cup on Saturday, defeating the Northern Tabbies by a score of 3 to 2 in a match which began at 2 and finished at 6:15, owing to a disagreement over whether the ball had been chased.

    The winning goal was scored by captain Mabel Quickpaw, who received the ball from a throw in, ignored it for twenty minutes, and then pounced. The Northern coach protested. The referee, who was asleep, was unavailable for comment.

    The Cup, a silver bowl, was presented to the team on the field. It has since been filled with milk and is now in use.

  • Guest Lecture: The Economics of the Empty Bowl

    Visiting scholar Professor Ignatius Whiskerby of the Northern College of Feline Economics will deliver the annual Ledbetter Lecture on Thursday at 5 in the Great Hall. His subject is The Economics of the Empty Bowl: Scarcity, Expectation and the Midnight Cry.

    Professor Whiskerby will argue that the empty bowl is not a state but an event, and that its meaning is wholly determined by whoever is looking at it. His earlier work on the elasticity of begging was described by one critic as moving and by another as noisy.

    Tickets are free. Attendees are asked to bring their own bowls so that the lecture may be properly illustrated.

  • Statement on the Great Yarn Incident of Wednesday

    The University wishes to clarify events in the Great Hall on Wednesday afternoon, when a ball of red yarn was unwound across the full length of the room, up the organ, round the Founder’s statue and into the Chancellor’s office, a total distance of 410 feet.

    No injuries were reported. The Founder’s statue has been re knitted. The yarn has been returned to its owner, Mrs. Hilda Purdy of the Domestic Sciences, who has said she is not angry but wishes to understand how.

    A review panel has been convened. Early evidence suggests a single student working alone, though others in the vicinity are said to have watched attentively and given no assistance, which the panel regards as a form of assistance.