Paws University

Blog

  • New Study Finds Cardboard Box Occupancy Linked to Academic Performance

    A study published this week by the Institute of Enclosed Spaces reports that students who spend at least three hours a day in a box achieve examination scores 11 percent above those who do not. The researchers followed 600 students over two terms.

    Lead author Dr. Winifred Sprocket said the effect was strongest in boxes only slightly too small, which appear to concentrate the mind. Boxes that fit perfectly produced an average improvement of only 4 percent, and open topped boxes had no effect at all.

    The University has responded by installing 120 new boxes in the Student Union. They have already been occupied, and at least two are being used by staff.

  • Faculty Senate Debates Whether Mondays Should Exist

    The Faculty Senate met for four hours on Thursday to consider a motion to abolish Mondays. The motion, proposed by Professor Dolores Velvet, argued that Monday served no academic purpose and was frequently indistinguishable from Sunday.

    The opposition, led by Dr. Fitzgerald Paws, noted that without Monday there would be no Tuesday, and that Tuesday has a good radiator. The Senate voted 21 to 19 to retain Monday, with the proviso that no teaching occur on it.

    The minutes were taken by a secretary who has, according to the draft, fallen asleep at the thirty third item. The remainder of the minutes consists of the letter z.

  • Matriculation Procession Draws Largest Crowd on Record

    On Wednesday, 812 new students took part in the University’s annual Matriculation Procession, walking in a straight line from the Clocktower to the Great Hall. The procession lasted four hours and covered 300 metres. At the front a banner read Lux et Lactis. At the back, a student had lain down.

    The Chancellor welcomed the cohort and delivered the Oath: I will learn, I will rest, I will not bring the bird into the building. The students replied in unison with a long, low murmur that was later identified as a purr.

    Refreshments followed. They were gone in nine minutes.

  • Move In Day Guidance for Residents of Radiator House

    Residents moving into Radiator House on Monday are asked to arrive between 9 and 12. The porters will carry boxes up the stairs. Items not in a box will be considered the property of the room.

    All rooms are equipped with a bed, a desk, a window with a ledge and a radiator which has been warmed in advance by the Housing Office for a period of 72 hours.

    Residents are reminded that candles, food bowls with an open flame and unsupervised dogs are not permitted. Any questions may be directed to the Residence Life Office, which is a cardboard box on the ground floor with the words Residence Life on the side.

  • Budget Committee Approves Funding for Additional Laser Pointers

    The Finance Committee has approved a grant of $6,400 for the purchase of eight additional laser pointers for use in research, teaching and enrichment. The decision followed a vote of 5 to 1, with one member abstaining by falling off her chair.

    The pointers will be distributed to the Departments of Locomotion, Observational Studies, and Dot Chasing, the last of which was established in 2022 and has so far chased 14,000 dots without a single capture.

    The Committee noted that it was aware of the philosophical difficulty. A representative of the Faculty of Philosophy said that it was not a difficulty at all, but the whole point.

  • Alumni Profile: Sir Reginald Fluffington, Class of 1998

    Sir Reginald Fluffington graduated from Paws University in 1998 with a degree in Applied Lounging and a minor in Calling Out Loudly at Night. Today he is the chief executive of a regional chain of bakeries and the owner of what he describes as a very large cushion.

    Reflecting on his time at the University, Sir Reginald recalls the late night debates in Cardigan Hall, the long afternoons in the sun and the lecture on Shadows that ended when the lecturer fell asleep. He credits his success to the quality of the education and a lucky find of chicken.

    He has recently endowed a scholarship worth $9,000 for students of limited means and unlimited appetite.

  • Welcome Week Programme Announced

    Welcome Week will run from 31 August to 4 September and will introduce new students to the traditions of the University. The programme includes a Matriculation Procession, a Fish Supper and the traditional Blessing of the Radiator.

    On the Tuesday, new students will be invited to a Tour of the Sunny Spots, led by senior undergraduates who have studied them since birth. A map will be provided and then ignored.

    On the Thursday evening, the Chancellor will address the new cohort on the subject of The Meaning of Learning, a speech of nine minutes. For the first six, she will stare at the audience. They will be asked to stare back.

  • Parking Notice: Mouse Holes Are Not Parking Spaces

    Campus Security has noted an increase in the occupation of mouse holes by students attempting to wait for a mouse. A mouse hole is a utility, not a parking space, and sitting at it for more than 90 minutes constitutes loitering.

    Violations will be recorded on a Notice of Sitting, issued by Officer Quincy Pawsworth and placed on the offender’s back. Three notices lead to a referral to the Dean of Patience.

    An exemption has been created for students conducting a recognised research project. To qualify, a student must have a form signed by a supervisor, and must be sitting very, very still. The form may be submitted after the mouse has left.

  • Research Spotlight: Do Cats Truly Land on Their Feet?

    A team at the Institute of Applied Gravity, led by Professor Horatio Pounce, has completed a five year study of the landing behaviour of cats dropped from the arm of a sofa. The researchers report a landing success rate of 99.7 percent, with the remaining 0.3 percent attributed to dignity.

    The study involved 8,000 trials, all of which were volunteered by the subjects, none of whom were asked. The methodology was reviewed by the Ethics Committee, which met for two minutes and approved it by yawn.

    Findings will be presented next month. A follow up study will examine whether the cats meant to do it.

  • New Wing of the Library Opens With a Ceremonial Knocking Over

    The Tabitha Hargreaves Wing of the University Library opened on Saturday with a ceremonial knocking over of a single glass of water. The ceremony was performed by the donor, Mrs. Tabitha Hargreaves, aged fifteen, who held the glass for four seconds before pushing it with one paw.

    The wing contains 40,000 volumes, 12 study carrels, 3 heated reading cushions and a special display of fine paperweights that have been, after discussion, nailed down.

    The Vice Chancellor described the occasion as a triumph of scholarship and gravity. The water was cleaned up by a porter. The glass, which did not break, was awarded an honorary fellowship.