Paws University

Blog

  • Statement on the Missing Bell From the Clocktower

    The University is aware that the large brass bell is no longer on its hook in the Clocktower. An internal review has been commissioned and will report in the autumn. At this stage no wrongdoing has been identified, though a number of paw prints have.

    The bell, which weighed 46 pounds and was cast in 1894, was last observed on Monday evening at 6:15. Campus Security has reviewed camera footage, which shows a dark shape near the base, followed by a long period in which nothing happens, followed by the bell.

    Anyone with information is asked to contact the Porter. The University wishes to stress that the matter is not being treated as a disciplinary one, only as an extremely loud mystery.

  • Lecture Series: Introduction to the Sudden Sprint

    The Department of Locomotion will host a three part lecture series on the Sudden Sprint, a movement of unknown origin which occurs between 2 and 4 in the morning in corridors across campus. Dr. Beatrix Longtail will lead the series.

    Part one, Origins, will consider whether the sprint is a response to an unseen stimulus or merely to the existence of a corridor. Part two, Mechanics, will include a demonstration with a ball of foil. Part three, Aftermath, will cover the brief, dignified licking of a shoulder that follows.

    Admission is free. Seating is limited to 80 and will be taken by whoever arrives first, in the sense that they will arrive and sit on you.

  • Admissions Office Reports Record Number of Applications Sat Upon

    The Office of Admissions has received 4,812 applications for the autumn intake, of which 1,377 were sat upon and 214 chewed at one corner. Director of Admissions Prunella Fitzwhisker described the figures as encouraging.

    Applications that have been sat upon are not rejected. Under the University’s policy of Holistic Review, a heated application is regarded as a sign of commitment, and one with a lot of fur as a sign of long standing attachment to the institution.

    Offers will be sent in the second week of August. Applicants are reminded that the University does not accept bribes, though a small pouch of dried salmon has been noted in the file of one particularly well qualified candidate.

  • Campus Update: The Quad Fountain Is Not for Drinking, Despite Appearances

    Facilities Management wishes to remind students and staff that the Quad Fountain is a decorative water feature and not a drinking bowl. It is treated with a mild disinfectant and contains, as of Tuesday, 23 coins and a small fish named Gerald.

    Gerald is not a food item. He is the property of the Department of Marine Studies and has been enrolled in a study of tolerance.

    Students who have been seen drinking from the fountain are asked to report to the Wellness Office, where they will be given a certificate and a better bowl. The Wellness Office is located on the second floor, in the corner that gets the late afternoon light.

  • Summer Reading List Released: Seventeen Books, Fourteen of Them Boxes

    The Library has published its summer reading list for incoming students. It features seventeen titles, of which fourteen are boxes. The remaining three are books, selected primarily for the quality of their spines.

    The Head Librarian, Mr. Cornelius Crumpet, explained that a box is a text which does not need to be read, only entered. Students will be examined on the quality of the experience, the corner they chose and the length of time spent in the box before someone noticed.

    Recommended texts include The Large Amazon Box, The Slightly Smaller Shoebox and, for advanced readers, A Paper Bag in Three Movements.

  • Professor Tibbles Awarded the Grand Medal for Staring at Walls

    The Department of Observational Studies is pleased to announce that Professor Leopold Tibbles has been awarded the Grand Medal for Sustained Wall Contemplation, the highest honour in the discipline, following a seminal study in which he observed a single corner of the east wing for 41 hours.

    The jury praised the work for its patience, its rigour and the lack of any visible conclusion. Professor Tibbles’s findings, published in the Journal of Unexplained Stares, suggest that there is something in the corner, but that it prefers not to be named.

    The medal, made of brass, was presented at a ceremony on Friday. The Professor sat on it.

  • Chancellor Announces Strategic Plan for the Next Nine Lives

    Chancellor Dame Marmalade Pemberton Paws today unveiled the University’s strategic plan for the coming decade, a document of 212 pages, of which the Chancellor has read the first four and slept on the rest.

    The plan sets out three priorities: the expansion of warm floor space by 14 percent, the reduction of vacuum cleaner incidents by half, and the introduction of a university wide nap period from 1:30 to 3:30 in the afternoon.

    Asked whether the plan was ambitious, the Chancellor replied that the University had survived 139 years of rain, dogs and budget reviews and could surely survive a plan. She then left the room through a gap in the door that had not previously been noticed.